I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You are a genius and a whore.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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