My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When are your genitals available?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
