I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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