my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
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