brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
