yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
