i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
