i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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