i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
