You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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