Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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