he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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