I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
