I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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