So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
