Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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