Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
