I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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