fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
