You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
