I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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