i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am one with the molecules
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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