guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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