I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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