and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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