so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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