dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
