I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
