I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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