No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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