life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
