dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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