do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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