Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
