Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
