he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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