paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think i got beer on your cat.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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