I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize