Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
