he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
