"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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