You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Found your dick twin last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
