I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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