dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's like iHOP with fire
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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