the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Did I show you my penis last night?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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