I accidentally had phone sex last night
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
