My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
