I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We are all done wearing pants today
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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