yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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