What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
