My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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