I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
