Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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