My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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