My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
