my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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