Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
