you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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