If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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