Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
false alarm, still single
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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