My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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