I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
