woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
