you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
