Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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