I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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