I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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