do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
