i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
