he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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