Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
