hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
