Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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