I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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